its so hard to be a diamond in a rhinestone world

so i realize its a little late for this, but its just been raining everyday so far this summer. the news said that NH's only seen about 3 days of sun in the whole month of june. hopefully july will be better ! so in hopes of some sunlight... i made a list of things to do this summer...

1. get tanned
2. lose weight
3. not fall for some random surfer dude with great hair
4. learn how to play guitar
5. buy tix for Alice in Chains on 11/7/09
6. get a new cellphone
7. find a job
8. figure out my horse situation
9. see my step-brother
10. wean myself off of dunk donuts coffee... in preperation for england
11. go to shows... shows, shows, and more shows.
12. see star trek with danny
13. go out with lindsay and her mommy :]
14. get a new camera
15. clean out my room, repaint the black wall

so thats what i wanna do this summer.. but i really dont know how much i'll get done. like, i NEED a job, so that should be first on the list. but other shit like tanning and hanging out with people i can do anytime... so idk. but i also need to figure out the horse situation. i got a lot on my plate. jeez. i need to do a lot of stuffs. gah. better go get started.. what do i wanna do first ?

well, its raining, so tanning. losing weight takes time. theres no guys around so i dotn have to worry about "summer love". im picking up my guitar tomorrow night, that'll have to weight. tix arent on sale yet. my cell works fine as of now. i could go job shopping... again. so yeah, i guess ill go serach for a job ! off to snagajob.com ! :D

 

wish me luck !

jackie <3

xoxo

ill be attached to my lifeless baby grand,

there i'll breed a psychotic work of art,

a beautiful chorus sold to the newest pop group on the scene for their one hit that'll blast throughout the speakers of every adolescent's mindset.

ill keep my words to myself,,

only to let them spill from my eyes and ears onto the ivory keys that keep me awake at night.

my life is forever controlled by ivory and ebony,

i will see no colors,

i will hear no beauty in lovers words,

i will never again experience real life,

i will reside in a polaroid.

i will be content with the still life around me,

nothing could be better,

for no one will hurt me,

i will watch no buildings crumble under the industries pressure to publish every young starlets naked body.

i will lean closer to my baby grand,

i will then proceed to lose myself in my sad excuse for an them.

i willl beat the industry and capture ivory as ebony,

as one polaroid.

sooo... tonight im attending a party. lovely. its a graduation party for my best friends sister. i dont know her sister well... but... what the hell riight ? im jackiepry i make parties fun :] so yeah. i was telling my beautiful cousin christine about the party and she told me that m "shs (salem highschool) shananigans drive her crazy" :] sorry teen !

 

so yeah, im gunna go get ready in a bit... gotaa get my hair straightened, as of right now its a beast and a half. hah speaking of beat, i heard of these wicked sick slippers called like "godzilla slippers" or whever, and theyre so cool ! every step you take they go RAWR.

and i honestly think thats spectacular. haha hold on.. let me try to find a picture for you guys...

ahhh yeah... there they are :]

look at those babies ! haha. i want a pair sooo bad ! but i feel light if i bought them, i'd be tempted to wear them in public... and im jackiepry so temptation always wins. then i'd probably be beat up for my awesome slippers and they'd break my slippers and i'd walk home a lonely emo freak with broken dino slippers :[

but it was a nice idea ! hahaha so yeah... i just wanted to share that lil "dino" tidbit with all of you :]

okay well... party time in about an hour and a half.. gotta go get sexy.. well... mildly attractive anyway. i dont wanna look like a slob in fron of a bunch of people i dont know XD

 

alright. bye loves. catch me on aim or msn !

<3 jackiepry

   wow, life has been so crazy lately ! with finals coming up i havent even had a second to get on here and write a lil synopsis of the past few weeks ! jeez ! 

   well, june has turned out to be a lovely month. my brother is coming home june 25th... not like we talk, but whatever. im still very happy and very proud of him. good job cam<3 and thennn me and my dad went out the other night. it was a good time. but i felt a little distant :/ oh well. time will heal all i suppose ! hm, what else ? OH ! A TOPIC WE ALL LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT... EVAN. ahh jeez. so i made the dumb deicision to let him stay up at m cottage for the weekend. and before u jump to conclusions, lewis.... im still a virgin (get your head outta the gutter my friend !). haha but really, it was stupid. the day we were leaving we got in a fight, via text message, about how i didnt wanna be with him, and he was like, "well not now... we can wait." i was like, "no evan... not all not. no waiting here, cuz im not ever gunna be with you. ever." he obviously couldnt get that blunt statement through his thick skull so we got in quite the arguement. lovely. so that was sort of a downer moment. whatever. i listened to some slipknot, my brain had a mini death pit and it was all good :] but i have come tot he conclusion that a man is like a deck of playing cards.. a heart to love him, a diamond to make it oficial, a club to smash his fucking skull in, and a spade to bury the poor bastard :]

   so school is actually going awesome :D i have a B in Global Studies, i have a C+ in English 9, a C+ in Peer Mediation, and a B in Intergrated Science. im so happy ! and i think im going to do well on my finals so that'll definatley bring my grades up :] oh boy im just so happy with the way my grades are going. and I got my schedule for next year :D Economics, Graphic Arts (a 2 year vocational program), American Studies, Honors Biology, German 1, Geometry, and English 10. im pretty excited :] gahh i love being in a great mood ! :P

   sooo... as most of u know i've been horseless for about a month... and that sucks. haha. but i put an add on craigslist (i love craigslist) and a very nice woman emailed me with a beautiful horse :] her name is Summer (soon to be Brinleigh) and shes a gorgeous Bay roan, full Warmblood Mare. gah shes an absolute doll ! shes very cute and is smart as a frickin whip :] shes only 6 so, as adam sandler would say, I WANNA GROW OLD WITH YOU... well.. her :P so...this beautiful love is Summer :]

i personally think shes fricking adorable, and if u dont... then u have no friends. haha. shes about a 3 hour drive from me but whatever. shes worth it. gah i cant wait !

   well, im of to do ome much needed studying ! finals are friday and monday, but we have final prep tomorrow and i have 3 "Part I's" to do :/ grrr. not excited :/

   but hey, after monday i'll be on a lot more ! love u kids ! message me or drop me a note, catch me on msn (dontflipatriscuit@hotmail.com) or send me some love on aim (funeralforjackie) !

  muah !<3

         

so heres the deal... apparently i have to get confirmed... even though i think the whole religion thing is BULLSHIT.

so i have to pick a cool confimation name. everyone was like, Do your sponsors name ! Which i wouldnt mind, because my sponsor is my cousin/best friend Christine, and i personally love the name Christine. But me and christine came up with a cooler name...

Sky River Champion <3

i honestly think thats the best name i've ever heard in my life. its pretty frickin sweet if i do say so myself. so yeah, after i was apparently signed up, my whole family was like "HAH ! WE FOOLED YOU ! YOU HAVE TO HAVE A SAINTS NAME ! HAHAH!"

guess what bitchesssss.....

"as long as your name is appropiate, there shouldnt be any issues. it is gods will for you to be happy"

or some nonsensicle shit liek that. either way... im now

Jacqueline Marie SkyRiverChampion Pry

and im proudddddddd :]

screw you guys whot hink you outsmarted me. hah. no friggan way <3

it's so confusing, my life I mean. haha. it's like, I know so many friggan people, it sometimes get confusing... so here I am, I'm going to let u all know were u stand. full honesty here people... let's go :]

lewis you are my best friend on here. I love u so much, it's crazy... your like my brother and I could t ask for a better friend :] I miss talking to you, but I'm gunna try harder. I can't wait to get our flat together and be the sexiest roomies around XD gosh, we have so many memories, I'll never doubt that you care about me too. were just that close ;) love you child, your my best friend. :]

maxi I think your such a sweet kid, and I couldn't ask for a better friend. I love when ur driving an u call me. your such an angry driver ! oh boy. we've had a lot of good times too... but we've seen each other at our worst, and were still pretty close, so obviously we care about each other. I love you maxi. you always make me happy. thank you so much for lettig me vent to you and givin me amazing advice :]

phil we haven't talked as much lately, but just know I'm here for you :] I care about you a hella lot and i miss talking every night at 9 :/ I miss u soooo much. your such a doll, and I wish u the beat in everything you do :] <3


okay, so that's it for people on buzzy. haha. if ur names not on that list, I obviously don't care about you. :] okay, that's not true, I probably just forgot you. it's 11pm and I'm a tired little girl ! maybe I should lean to write a little earlier to I don't get super lazy XD oh so... for all you crazy kid who love to hear about my drama filled life *cough lewis *cough*, I guess I'll give U the latest scoop :]

okay, so it's guy trouble (lewis's favorite type of drama)... see, this is what's going on... Nik is a nice guy I met, with a screwy gf who cheats on him. we started to hangout and startedbto like eachother and I was like, this is effed up, so I told him that until he breaks up with his gf, we can't hangout. Which makes sense ? and so he got pissedboff, whatever. he's mad. Then Luke, the guy I was cllose to for a bit decided to not talk to me anymore... thanks for the warning ? so yeah, that pissed me off. but he pissed me off anyway cuz he would say he cares over the phone or texting, but like... he wouldn't show it when we were together ? idk. it bugged me. I could never be with someone like that anyways. haha. so then there's josh, and josh and luke are friends (which makes this crazy awkward), and josh likes me and I guess Im a wee bit infatuated myself, but guys don't think of other guys feelings... so I feel as though there will be some conflict soon arising between josh and luke. what a joke :/ kills me, ya know ? it's tough to be loved ;P haha jk. but yeah, that's my recent drama :] (hope it was satisfying, lewis :D)

just as the title states, im currently thinking about dying my hair.

honestly, none of u know what it looks like right now, cuz my camera is broken and my blackberry wont work on my crazy bipolar effed up computer, sooo... whatever. maybe i'll get it to work on my mums laptop ? idk. i dont really care, truth be told.

 

so yeah. my hair is back to its natural color (like u know what that is ? haha), ugly blonde-ish brown-ish.... basically... Grossy McGross Gross. in a nut shell, my hair looks terrible.

sooo... my moms not letting my dye it red (again ? idk if i can count that cuz she didnt really know. haha) but yeah. so im thinking a brunette, red-sh auburn, or like 3 or 4 shades lighter with bleach blonde underneath. its really short (again, i wiash i had a pic ! ugh !) so the underneath thing wouldnt look slutty. more classy then anything. haha. but yeah. im cutting it again too... shorter. again. :]

its gunna be stacked in the back, then a super duper crazy like 80 degree angle A line :] im pumped. it's gunna be HAWT. ;D

but yeah. just looking to see what u guys think for hair colors ? idk.

 

 

i bet no one will read this. and those who do read it wont give a fuzzy rats ass.

 

 

no. lewis will read this. haha. he reads everything :D so what do u think lewis !?

 

 

sincerely,

jackie.

xo

control is necessary,
living life as an unwinding spool,
all this time you were staring me blind.
starting a chain reaction,
including the middle class in your daring proposal,
speaking like the dictionary,
words tumbling from your bloody jaw.
flesh peeling from beneath your designer tuxedo,
keep your limbs attached, pray to dear god no one is faithful.
welcome to zombie nation.
we don't ask for a lot,
just drop your religion off with the door man,
he'll gladly dispose of it for you.
consider this a warning,
you are responsible for your oxygen intake,
as it is soon expected to run out.
the vodka is sweeter with a slack jaw,
the coke eats away at the unnecessary.
for we are one, held strong by the bond of death.
welcome to zombie nation.

I've been gone for awhile,
and I'm sorry.
life has been... well, not rough... just difficult.
but I'm back now and I'm so much better :] my camera is broken, so no new pics or videos... but I'll be posting journals at least 3 times a week and I'll be checking this every day :] so, I guess I'll start writing daily again... starting, NOW !
I'm home today. I'm watching Maury... how white trash of me XD oh well, it's so funny ! So while I'm watching white trash tv I'm looking at universities over in England. Bathe and York are my top two choices :] I'm really excited ! I can't wait till summer of 2011... I'm going to look at colleges. idc what anyone says, I'm leaving after high school, gunna find a flat over the summer and then start my life. granted I'll be alone... but we all have to start taking responsibility sometime ! I'm just really excited to get through high school and start a life on my own. maybe it's bad I'm excited to leave... but whatever. I'm done with this life and these people. I'm beyod ready to start over. I deserve to be happier. and I now know that...
so moving on... me and chris are gunna try to cover If It Means A Lot To You by A Day To Remember. I play piano and he plays some bad ass guitar :] I'm obviously gunna sing the 2nd femal verse and he's gunna sing the rest. except at the final chorus when it sounds like a whole chorus singing, I think were gunna try to harmonize there :D it's gunna sound amazing. I honestly can't wait. I love chris so much. he's such a good friend ! he's such a sweet heart and supports me in everything I do. So granted he's like... what, 8 years older than me, my mom loves him. haha. nah, okay, she doesn't love him but she doesnt mind him. She knows that he helps me through a lot ad she knows that all I need is a father figure.... and that's what chris is to me. Chris is honestly my best friend. he's my best friend and he's mature and knows how to calm me and keep me safe. I love this kid :D
hm... what else is going on in my life ? ahhh... I got a new horse I'm leasing. his make is justin. he's a little shit and likes to bite and give me a hard time when I ride him... but he's just another project. after him I plan on taking a break and buying a yearling and ttainig it myself. I'm done leasing. :] OH ! and I'm buying a Nikon D40 :D I'm so excited ! I really want a nice camera... I miss taking nice pics. hah :] okay. well... I'm pretty sure that's it. haha. my life is pretty boring. so I'll be on here talking to people :] message me !

seriously dad and julie ? really ?

check up on me like im five years old,

mom knows whats going on in my life and she doesnt inform you guys for a reason.

you dont talk to me, why should i vent to you ?

okay, dont take that as a plea for u to start talking to me again,

because truth be told, im better off without you guys.

i've been doing fine.

 

but let me tell you something,

get a god damned life !

youre checking up on me, telling my mom things she already knows,

just stop. its pointless.

a waste of fucking time.

 

you realize what you've done right ? i can no longer write my emotions down.

i can no longer be creative with my writing,

show it for all to see.

you screwed me over. how the fuck am i suppoed to "cope" now ?

 

cant fucking write, cut or scream,

what the hell do you expect me to do ?

im giving up, here the crowning moment,

im done listening to you assholes who think u know whats best for me,

well guess what, u dont.

SCREW YOU.

 

 

ps. when you call my mom telling her what i wrote, tell her i said hi.

im so screwed up, I'm losing my sense of reality. I can't decipher right from wrong, and I can't figure out how to live. i hate this feeling, and I can't even explain it. its almost like watching your own funeral, you want to apologize to people because its the right thing to do, but they can't hear you. you try to wipe away the tears and hold them, but they can't feel you. its like you try so hard to make everything right again, but it just doesn't work.
i can't handle this.

crimson lips,
gorgeous red dress,
slips on her heels,
this is my stress.

black tie affair,
keeping my eyes glued to floor,
he speaks with robust,
I can't take this much more.

politely excuse myself,
he fakes a smile watching me leave,
my heart is racing,
a picture he can't concieve.

I throw water on my face,
mascara slides down my cheek,
I rummage around in my purse,
a secret I can't bare to speak.

I lock myself in the stall,
I rip down my dress,
the knife I smuggled,
dig deep into my mess.

one straight shot,my knees threaten my fall,
blood starts pouring,
I steady myself with the wall.

my phone vibrates,
i sneer at my purse,
throw it on the floor,
just another curse.

bloods pools at my feet,
I fall face first,
he storms into the restroom,
screaming my name blood is his thirst.

he breaks down the door,
takes the gun off the floor,
points it at my head,
in an abusive relationship no more.

he acts baffled,
like he has no idea what went wrong,
suicide wasn't my thing,
my scream just another song.

im back with evan.

i swallowed my pride.

I drank 47 tall cans of Arizona Ice Tea in the last three days.

i almost killed myself.

i stopped talking to a bunch of people (doesnt mean I hate you, just means I need time...)

my horse has a newly found back problem, proving it impossible to show this year.

i can't stop eating special k bars.

sun chips are fucking delicious.
my cuts healed.

my old scars are fading.

I'm dying my hair.

i lost more weight.

i bought a sustain pedal for my keyboard.

were opening my cottage soon.

were moving to my cottage next year.

I stole a roll of stickers from my local supermarket that say "value pak" (where'd the "C" go ?!)

i wish I was on Prozac (again)

i need to go to Anchors Up (google that shit) again soon... I'm music/musician deprived.

i havent learned a thing,
were different types of hate,
my words in a constant jumble,
I try to explain this ever changing life,
is this pain ? is it relief ?
its still a knife, its still blood,
how long will this take to turn into regret ?

I'm never going to put myself back into that position,
I'm turning my heart to stone,
I'm not letting you shatter it again,
You pushed me into this world,
welcome to having nothing,
say goodbye to lust and pain,
they won't let me regret,
you won't let me forget.

in moving on alone,
leaving u behind in the dust.
I'm better than this,
I'm better than you.
I'm not even letting you contact this hollow chest.
i know it will end in hate,
so I won't even let you start it.
I don't even glance your way,
but funny how I know where u are at all times.

i kissed him
his lips caressed mine
i held him
his heart beat faster than yours
he whispered in my ears
chills ran down my spine
he took my face in his hands
he's not holding back now
he told me he loved me
my hate for you makes it hard to give a fuck.

you still have me in the palm of your hand,
just let me go,
you won't let me love anyone else.
please stop dwelling on all the apologies you owe me,
I'm over them.
I just want to be done with you...


"if its dog eat dog,
I'll stick with kibbles and bits,
cuz I never really liked the taste
of straight up bitch !"

its 2am,
its about 20 degreeses outside.
I'm cuddled up in a green fleece blanket,
and I'm laying against my moms car.

i have a perfect view of my yard,
about an acre of perfect snow covered earth,
a single boulder in the middle of the small field stands out among the ice.
the moon sparkles on the frozen ground,
the trees squeak as they sway in tune with the undying wind.

my hair whips against my face as look up,
I count the stars.
I know its not possible,
but I figure it'll take my mind off of this hell I'm living.
I get to 1,000 and I stop.

I start thinking about my friends,
or lack there of,
and my eyes start to water and a chill runs down my back.

craig I'm so sorry. why couldnt I see that you were everything I ever needed ? oh god, craig I'm so sorry. i love you so much, I'd give up everything for you... I swear I would. Im so sorry...
lewis ive lost touch with you, and i miss how things used to be. I miss our daily messages, and I miss joking around with you.
maxi we aren't nearly as close as we once were, I miss you so much baby. you try to text me and whatnot but just get busy or I fall asleep and I can't respond. i love you maxi, I really do.
phil ahshit. sweetie, I'm just sorry. for everything. everytime we talk I question your feelings and loyalty towards me, and I really shouldn't. I love you so much phil, I'm so sorry. I'm starting to get paranoid again :/

it was 3am when I finally crawled back into my bed.
i put my iPod onto Hammers and Strings by Jacks Mannequin,
and I let the steady beat lull me to sleep.

okay guys...
so u might know that ive been super sick,
and if u didn't know, now ya know.

I've had what I like to call "mini mono"
I've been coughing up a lung and sleeping for 12 hours at a time since Thursday.
so when I message you guys and dont get back to you right away its not because
I'm being a bitch, its because I fell asleep. I really can't control when I sleep. I can't
stay awake for the life of me :/

so I just wanted to apologize,
im sorry guys. I'm going on
meds soon, hopefully they'll help.




ttyl.<3

I've figured out my life... are you ready for this ?

next year I am taking the Graphic Arts vocational program, and its a two year program. once I become a junior I will be taking Journalism1-4, Publishing, and Fiction Writing. then once I'm done in my junior year, I'll be moving to England for my first semester (90 days) of my senior year to persue an internship with Journalism. after my 90 days, I come back to New Hampshire and continue getting my credits for science and math...

after highschool I plan on working for extra money for a plane ticket for my horse, so I can ship her over to England with me for college. I want to go to York University or Leeds Uni :]

after I get my major in Journalism and my minor in Graphic Arts I want to get a flat in Barnesley or York (if I end up liking it there), and I want to keep my horse close by.

idk how I will be, being alone in England and all, but I'm sure everything will work out for the best.

this is my life, its only going to be as good as I want it to be...




Things I Want To Accomplish Before University In England:
-buy a young horse to train and travel with
-get all A's for one quarter before senior year
-learn to play guitar
-double up on science and math credits
-keep my job until I'm outta high school
-make it to England for senior year
-visit England with Christine to look at universities
-learn german
-become self sufficient with money/cleaning/cooking

william is my Latin lover.
hes so amazing and I don't know if I'll ever find a better friend than this boy. he's so great ! he's charming and sweet and VERY attractive, JUST LOOK AT HIM ! he's such a babe... gosh :]

I took Spanish about a month back (I failed, but thats not important), and William is so great for putting up with me and my terrible Spanish XD
hey William ! yo quiero encima de tú ;] ;] ;]
hahaha. I bet I said that wrong... butbhe knows what I mean :]


so yeah, I met William about 4 months ago, and were great friends. he's so funny and I love his accent ;]
next year he's coming to see me so we can fight and have makeup sex XD ohhhh William, I love you.
I swear, this boy is so amazing. I wanna have his children <3

okay, thats a lie, I don't even want children... but still... u know what I mean :]
hahahaha.


WILLIAM IS MY SECRET LATIN LOVER<3<3<3<3<3<3

1. im outgoing
2. I'm ugly
3. I compliment everyone
4. I can't be alone
5. I'm depressed
6. I don't think before I act
7. suicide seems logical to me
8. I believe in abstinence.
9. I find it easier to talk to older ppl
10. guys are easier to talk to than girls
11. im an ADHD child
12. I don't trust people
13. I'm against dresses/skirts
14. I'd rather befriend gay guys than anyone else
15. I have extreme anxiety that only music fixes
16. Im not good at making people happy
17. i will never be perfect for any guy
18. I'm not smart
19. I'm loud
20. I don't believe in love
21. karma is big in my life
22. I talk in a different voice when I talk to strangers
23. I'm comfortable with my depression and suicidal moments
24. I hate people who wear animal print pants
25. people choose not to trust me, I don't blame them.


to be continued...

tonight was a good night,
I finally smiled for the first time this week.
thanks James :]

jameshill is the perfect friend.
no joke, this kid is absolutely amazing. he's so easy to talk to and his laugh is contagious. I'm not gunna lie, sometimes I meow just to hear him laugh :]
james is gorgeous, so that makes being with him a lil better, haha. but its not about looks, its about his awesome personality, he's an absolute sweetheart. you know how u can meet that one person who you just want to be close with ? you crave their opinion and friendship; thats james.
he's probably gunna think I'm a total creeper if he reads this, but whatever. not my fault i don't hold back with my feelings. haha
i swear, this kid is gunna be one of my bestfriends, whether he likes it or not <3

okay, so now that I'm done spilling my guts about James, I'll rewind back to Thursday...

Thursday night, I was ready to kill myself. evan walked out on me in a jealous rage... I called James. I was okay, then I hung up with him and i never felt so alone after that... it was nice to hear James's voice, but then I felt alone and evan was back on my mind, I was ready to kill myself. not sure why... I just was.
Friday during the day, I left school to go to my therapist, I still wanted to kill myself. I went back to school after for last block, I faked my way through the day, I never hadto try so hard to fake a smile.
Friday night, I stayed in. evan came over around 8, and he tried to understand the "suicide and depression" thing, he didn't get it. he left to go hangout with his friends. he doesn't really care about me, why do I care about him ?
Today I did nothing. then around 6 I went to the mall, saw jamesy and that was the end of my depression. we went to dinner and hung around the mall for a bit. gosh that boy is awesome :]
then at the mall we ended up running into his friends... they're goofy. granted I didn't know them and I just kind stood there all akward, i kinda liked seeing James happy. I'm not very fun, I'm sure he was happy he saw his friends haha. oh ! and off topic, but I also got bigger gauges :] haha. luckily his friends wanted to go to hot topic too :]

i had a shit week, and I never thought that it could be fixed in 3 hours... but it was.
so thank you very much James.

as I was leaving the mall, and saying goodbye to James I couldn't help but hug him like 74725240573628205957 times. and idk if he heard me, but I whispered "thank you" in his ear... and just thanks james.

your an amazing person <3